I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was not drunk enough for that final.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
