True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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