i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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