my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
