I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
