mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
