The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
