I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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