she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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