Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
