What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
