does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
