There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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