Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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