mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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