You're my little dorito
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
