I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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