I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
