FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
