im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
