i was born a porn star she said
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
