Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
