Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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