So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i love accidental penises.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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