We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
