I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
