Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
