I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
