I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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