You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
