The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
