Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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