Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
