hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
