listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
