I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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