matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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