'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
