woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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