where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
