Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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