My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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