Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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