Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
