how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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