I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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