I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
