your room smells of hookers.
And success
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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