I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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