She said her name was "party"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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